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So back to the NY Resolution...

Back to Reality. What is reality? My reality is no longer something I recognize! I had first time mommy friends who, after giving birth, felt insignificant and less, somehow, than what they were before having their children. I didn't really understand that until now. Don't get me wrong. The birth of my daughter is a miracle and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I guess that is why these emotions are a little confusing. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of my life? On one hand it is and on the other I feel incredibly blue and lost. I realize some of this stems from not working. I have not worked since the middle of August. I knew it would be difficult to go back to work on my salary and be able to afford day care. I simply can't do it. I am praying and contemplating moving back to Oklahoma to be closer to family. It just seems like the right thing to do...well...no..it FEELS like the right thing to do. I need my family. Lailey needs my family.

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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That was Mark Twain who penned that quote. Tis true you know!

I, too, like many have made a few resolutions. And I, too, think this just might be my year to do all that has eluded me in the past. I have to say though, it's hard to be optimistic because I've rarely kept a resolution!

I did, however, do one thing last year I had never been able to accomplish before. I became a mom! It was the greatest year on record so far! Lailey has been here 5 months. She is growing faster than I could have imagined. With her birth came more than I anticipated. I have always been a nanny...well at least in my adult years and I THOUGHT I would just really have the upper hand on all this. I had no clue! I had no idea where my emotions would be...I certainly didn't think I would feel the way I do. I figured I would be overwhelmed with emotion the first few weeks then just settle into this 18 year long routine that shifted and swayed and bent and buckled at times. I didn't know my every sense, every thought, every emotion, would be accosted, taken in and swaddled in the attention of this tiny little human. The first moment I heard her cry was when the strangeness started. First...I laughed instead of cried...well...i cried some...but mainly giggled. I had to have a section so I wasn't able to hold her immediately. In fact, couldn't even see her for several minutes but I could hear her. Since having a section is kinda like going to the dentist now, it was a very laid back atmosphere and the nurses and tech's talked through the whole procedure. They prepared me for every little thing that was going to happen. It was play by play action so I knew when they were pulling her out only because of the verbal communication(obviously couldn't feel anything...thank ya Jesus) and when I heard that tiny little cry I started laughing! That was odd to me. I honestly don't know why I laughed but that was the beginning of this strange yet wonderful journey.

I simply cannot get enough of her now. As Lailey grows and becomes more able to communicate, we often sit and study each other. She usually licks her hands and fingers while jabbering intensely so I sit and hold her and just marvel at her. She is one yummy baby.