Crazy Weather

I'm ready for different...well maybe just consistent weather. It's beautiful right now (2:26pm CST) but has been gray and cloudy with serious wind all day. Tonight...calling for thunderstorsm. Oh the temperature says 72! I had to turn the air conditioner on in my condo! Tomorrow....high of 38 and chance of snow! WTF????? Seriously!?! I will never get well.

I think the weather has a large impact on how well I work too. The gray, gloomy skies bring a melancholy and procrastination that drives me NUTS! The spring type weather puts a well....spring in my step and gives me a burst of energy that makes me feel like I could do anything. I need more of the latter. I have a lot to do.

I have a 6 month old that is beginning to teeth. She is such a good baby but has been somewhat fussy this week.

So back to the NY Resolution...

Back to Reality. What is reality? My reality is no longer something I recognize! I had first time mommy friends who, after giving birth, felt insignificant and less, somehow, than what they were before having their children. I didn't really understand that until now. Don't get me wrong. The birth of my daughter is a miracle and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I guess that is why these emotions are a little confusing. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of my life? On one hand it is and on the other I feel incredibly blue and lost. I realize some of this stems from not working. I have not worked since the middle of August. I knew it would be difficult to go back to work on my salary and be able to afford day care. I simply can't do it. I am praying and contemplating moving back to Oklahoma to be closer to family. It just seems like the right thing to do...well...no..it FEELS like the right thing to do. I need my family. Lailey needs my family.

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That was Mark Twain who penned that quote. Tis true you know!

I, too, like many have made a few resolutions. And I, too, think this just might be my year to do all that has eluded me in the past. I have to say though, it's hard to be optimistic because I've rarely kept a resolution!

I did, however, do one thing last year I had never been able to accomplish before. I became a mom! It was the greatest year on record so far! Lailey has been here 5 months. She is growing faster than I could have imagined. With her birth came more than I anticipated. I have always been a nanny...well at least in my adult years and I THOUGHT I would just really have the upper hand on all this. I had no clue! I had no idea where my emotions would be...I certainly didn't think I would feel the way I do. I figured I would be overwhelmed with emotion the first few weeks then just settle into this 18 year long routine that shifted and swayed and bent and buckled at times. I didn't know my every sense, every thought, every emotion, would be accosted, taken in and swaddled in the attention of this tiny little human. The first moment I heard her cry was when the strangeness started. First...I laughed instead of cried...well...i cried some...but mainly giggled. I had to have a section so I wasn't able to hold her immediately. In fact, couldn't even see her for several minutes but I could hear her. Since having a section is kinda like going to the dentist now, it was a very laid back atmosphere and the nurses and tech's talked through the whole procedure. They prepared me for every little thing that was going to happen. It was play by play action so I knew when they were pulling her out only because of the verbal communication(obviously couldn't feel anything...thank ya Jesus) and when I heard that tiny little cry I started laughing! That was odd to me. I honestly don't know why I laughed but that was the beginning of this strange yet wonderful journey.

I simply cannot get enough of her now. As Lailey grows and becomes more able to communicate, we often sit and study each other. She usually licks her hands and fingers while jabbering intensely so I sit and hold her and just marvel at her. She is one yummy baby.

The First Snowfall

I'm sitting at my desk, in my tiny living room, looking at a beautiful snowfall from yesterday. It's the first of the season...actually the first of this kind in several years here in Nashville, it seems. It makes my heart glad. And going on everyone's Facebook profile status, it makes a lot of people happy too.

I know kids are excited because they got out of school today and I guess, maybe, some businesses were closed but I have to say that part of it is anticlimactic for me these days. Used to, a heavy snowfall would mean possibly no work or going in late and I felt much like a child getting out of school. Today however, I feel less about it because I'm not working and it's just like every other day has been since August (when my daughter arrived). It's lessened by the fact that I would be sitting here whether it was snowing, raining, shining. But anyway...it's pretty and I opened the front door this morning to show Lailey and she blew me a little spit bubble and arched her back, saying, "so..."

The Christmas season is here, I guess?! Is it me or is December moving entirely too quickly? Is it because Thanksgiving felt a week late? I have done no Christmas shopping and probably won't. My family has decided that gifts are silly this year and we aren't buying any except for the children....and that includes my 86 year grandfather who needs a lap desk to rest over the arms of his recliner so he can eat from the comfort of living room. I have a niece and nephew, 8 and 4 and a new daughter...they will be the recipients of any gifts that are given this year. And honestly, Lailey will not be getting much. She's 4 months! What can you buy a 4 month old that means much? I have every accoutrement a baby needs to make it their first year of life. I've been so fortunate to have GREAT friends with babies that have outgrown all the fancy developmental toys that Lailey needs to keep her in the loop and meeting the requirements "they" say are important.

Singing off...

Oh The Joy....

Well. I'm a mom! Finally! After 20 years of longing and dreaming about it. It happened! Boy did it happen!

I gave birth to Lailey Kay Irons, conceived through IUI, using donor sperm, on August 15, 2008. It was amazing. The entire process was the most fantastic journey I've taken so far in life.

Today is as Good as Any

Today is as good a day as any to give birth....I keep telling my little baby girl that is undoubtedly squished beyond belief in my womb. This would be evident from her obvious slack in movement in the last couple of weeks. Her wild karate like movement, since about week 26 has been a constant reminder of what i might just be in for, has slowed considerably to actual baby kicks and punches and an occasional strumming of her fingers against the uterine wall. She does get the hiccups which always makes me smile although maybe i shouldn't. Can you imagine being in HER position WITH hiccups? Poor lil monkey.

So me and Lailey had a talk this morning and I told her it was okay for her to "COME ON DOOOOWWWWN" today! We'll see if she's going to listen to her mother.

Oh the waiting

I've always heard from my fellow mommies that the last month of your pregnancy is the worst for a lot of reasons...mainly the waiting! I'm there! I'm so anxious to see my baby girl, Lailey Kay. I think she is anxious too if not squished beyond reason. Last ultrasound she was head down so the lil monkey is assuming the position. My favorite part of pregnancy has been her movement. I began feeling flutters around 22 weeks. I wasn't quite sure but I think it started a few weeks earlier. I just didn't know if I had gas or what. I do remember the very moment I KNEW it was her. It was about 4 a.m. and I turned over in bed and I felt the most distinct kick on my left side. It woke me up fully and I laid there for an hour, smiling, thinking, talking to her. It was REAL then! Ever since then I CHERISH those times in the day when she is so active. She definitely has a pattern..her "awake" and "sleep" times.

I have approximately 5 weeks to delivery. I'm not sure that I'll go to term. Gestational Diabetes may override that. Everything i've read and seen on TV (I'm obsessed with Discovery Health delivery shows) it seems most women are induced early to ensure the baby doesn't get too big. I only wish this would happen for her to get here! And I know Gerica wants her to get here before she has to go back to school. One problem that can arise with GD is the lungs can be underdeveloped and since this is the one of the last things to develop in gestation, I certainly do not want her to have lung issues. So I trust she'll get here right when she's supposed to get here.

I am hoping for a normal delivery..you know..the conventional method...NO SURGERY! But..I'm not one of those woman who is gonna freak out if I have to have a C-Section. In fact, the closer I get to delivery, the more a section might be totally okay with me. I'm getting a little nervous about the pain.