Determination

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Up Yours OK Tornado Season!

It's 11:30 A.M. and I'm sitting in my living room watching it rain once again. It looks like it's 8pm outside. Once again, we are in for a day of severe thunderstorms with the possibility of tornadoes. I HATE this weather...HATE IT! I don't mind thunderstorms...in fact, I actually enjoy the soothing affect of thunder and soft, steady, rain but I DO NOT enjoy spending hours at a time glued to the TV, wondering when/if I've got to get me and the toddler in the bathtub or trek to the neighbor's storm cellar.

I've always been scared of storms. As a kid, growing up in central OK, we had a storm cellar, 10 steps from our back door, and I still would get so scared when the tornado sirens went off that I would stand in the hallway of our home and retch. Its still a topic of funny conversation when family gathers...remembering how ridiculous I acted when it there was inclement weather. Everyone LAUGHING at me! HAHA! While I've grown more accustomed to storms and how to handle them in a more mature way, I still get very nervous, especially now that I have a child.

I have family & friends who lost a lot, if not everything, in the historic F5 tornado on May 3, 1999, that demolished many areas in central OK . I was living in Nashville, TN at the time so I didn't experience it first hand. I returned to OK shortly after and could not believe my eyes. The area of town that was my stomping ground..so they say...looked war torn. I tried to drive to a friends house, who was blessed to still have their home, and had to pull over 3 times to call and ask her where I was because nothing was recognizable. This was a house I had been to many times and a neighborhood I knew well. There were no landmarks to guide me. If you've never experienced THAT...it's WEIRD!! Until you experience it, you have no idea how much you rely on the buildings around you to actually guide you.

In light of the recent devastation caused by floods in my home away from home, Nashville, and now the devastation the storms caused in OK on Monday night, I am humbled and grateful to have a great little house to live in and grateful I've not lost anything or anyone I know and love. I will weather the storms(no pun...) with caution and a fervent prayer that everyone is spared the wrath that can happen this time of year.

So brush up on your tornado safety plan. If you don't have one..make one and be safe!

Jon & Kate + Drama = Ridiculously Unexplainable Obsession From Fans

I'm SICK of Jon & Kate drama! I mean...seriously! I said more than a year ago, just by occasionally tuning into the show,they were in trouble! Did anyone listen? Apparently I didn't tell the right people! I think I'm NOW more interested in the obsession of watching this family fall apart. And it is a little bit like Uncle Jon and Aunt Kate are getting divorced! It's sad but it's more sad that our country is so eager to watch someone else fail. My opinion...if anyone wants it....it takes 2 people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to fail a marriage. I think they are both to blame for needs not met, feelings not considered, love not given, kindness not shown, respect not mutual, work not equal, etc. Ultimately...that is just the bottom line. There may be exceptions but...I would be hard pressed to find them...if you truly got to the bottom of things.

However, I do not think Kate is getting a fair wrap. I've heard men and women alike say "she deserves it!" COME ON! REALLY??? What an idiotic thing to say! She has 8 FREAKIN' children! EIGHT!!!! YOU WOULD BE A BITCH TOO IF YOU HAD 8 CHILDREN! And it's pretty clear that Jon does little by way of being a provider for his family. I believe he loves his children and thinks they are okay. I hope they are. But to say she is the CAUSE of this is just ridiculous and ignorant I think it's also unfair to say Kate has let the fame go to their head! I don't see this. Does it make her a bad mother because she improves her appearance? What? She hasn't done anything that everyone of us would do if given the opportunity and the money to do it! She's doing what we all do to help make a better present and a better future for our children. Is she doing it the RIGHT way? I dunno...not for me to say! She's doing the BEST she can with what she's been given!

The Love of The Father

Well fixing to turn the lights out on Father's Day 2009!  It was completely, literally uneventful for me.  Lailey and I stayed in...didn't go to church because she is kinda croupy sounding and don't want to put her in the nursery cause then she truly would be sick and she more than likely would not sit through the service without yelling at the top of her lungs during Pastor's message.  

I have been a little contemplative today.  I've thought about my life and what it would have been like had my dad not passed away 23 years ago this year!  That is so hard to believe...and yet it's not.  Sometimes I feel like he never was and other times I'll remember something vividly and feel like it was yesterday that we told him goodbye.  It's pretty impossible to look at my daughter and not feel the weight of his absence, especially when considering the way she made it in the world. However, I am quickly reminded of God's providence and how He just makes a way for us.  He carves out the path, the road that WE need when we need it to meet our needs.  I am thankful for a wonderful step-dad, who has now been in my life as long as my father was.  He is polar opposite, personality wise, from my dad but he is a good man and he loves and takes care of my mom and mine and now my daughters needs when we need it and I am grateful to him for that!  Thanks Papa Mac!

I also cannot go through this day without whispering thanks to my heavenly Father for His unending goodness, faithfulness, and perfect parenting!  As I type, I hear Lailey's heavy respirations as she sleeps peacefully next to me and I'm almost overwhelmed by my Father's love for me and His willingness to give me the desires of my heart.  How could I not pause today to give Him the highest form of appreciation?  I cannot.  So I praise Him.  I give him all the glory and honor and praise for being who He is and for fathering an often faithless and thankless child.  He truly is the source of all that is good in my life and the power behind anything successful!  

I hope it's been a great day for everyone!  Remember to thank your earthly dads, stepdads, men of prominence, hubby's, and most importantly the One who came up with the whole concept of "fatherhood.'  

Peace....

Curls vs. Humidity...

The heat index at 3pm today said 112! ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE PEOPLE!!!!!! This - is - SEWIOUS!(to quote ming ming the wonder pet) It's the end of June and I'm just wondering what July and August will hold for us. I would say I can't take it but what am I to do? I've resorted already to NO makeup and just forget about my hair. If you have naturally curly hair, like me, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I used to LOATHE my curls but honestly I don't mind them now. I actually think having curly hair in this humidity is actually better. Cause what about those poor folks with just wavy hair? They try to straighten, 10 minutes outside and...that was a waste!

So I'm in the bed, writing...well trying to write....next to my sleeping, newly turned 10 month old! It is hard to believe Lailey is 10 months. When you hear moms and dads say, "you won't believe how fast the time will go" they weren't kidding. This is CRAZY! It was like YESTERDAY that I was pregnant with her. It's been the most incredible 10 months of my life. Lailey is truly a joy and so much fun. She's entering that stage of starting to be really really funny. I laugh, for real, many times a day at her faces, noises, expressions, innocence. God so knew what he was doing when he planned this whole thing....babies.

I think there is something different about being a mom later in life. I was 39 when I had her and while there are certainly challenges, i think my thought processing is...well better. I see young moms who freak out at the smallest things. Don't get me wrong. I'm concerned! I'm just not overly dramatic. Lailey recently had to have a 3D Head Scan for a small bump on her forehead that has been there since she was born and when the doctor starting saying things like, "frontal lobing, brain lesion, skull sutures" I COULD have freaked out but I didn't. I had about a 30 minute "processing" time where I was very quiet and contemplative but I was NEVER freaked out. I knew it was nothing(and it wasn't). I know half a dozen young moms who would have flipped their wig over something like this. I thank God for Lailey this late in life. I'm more patient, I'm more understanding and knowledgable of just life in general. No offense to ANY young moms out there. It's a hard job no matter when and how you are doing it! I just see kind of a pattern here.

Crazy Weather

I'm ready for different...well maybe just consistent weather. It's beautiful right now (2:26pm CST) but has been gray and cloudy with serious wind all day. Tonight...calling for thunderstorsm. Oh the temperature says 72! I had to turn the air conditioner on in my condo! Tomorrow....high of 38 and chance of snow! WTF????? Seriously!?! I will never get well.

I think the weather has a large impact on how well I work too. The gray, gloomy skies bring a melancholy and procrastination that drives me NUTS! The spring type weather puts a well....spring in my step and gives me a burst of energy that makes me feel like I could do anything. I need more of the latter. I have a lot to do.

I have a 6 month old that is beginning to teeth. She is such a good baby but has been somewhat fussy this week.

So back to the NY Resolution...

Back to Reality. What is reality? My reality is no longer something I recognize! I had first time mommy friends who, after giving birth, felt insignificant and less, somehow, than what they were before having their children. I didn't really understand that until now. Don't get me wrong. The birth of my daughter is a miracle and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I guess that is why these emotions are a little confusing. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of my life? On one hand it is and on the other I feel incredibly blue and lost. I realize some of this stems from not working. I have not worked since the middle of August. I knew it would be difficult to go back to work on my salary and be able to afford day care. I simply can't do it. I am praying and contemplating moving back to Oklahoma to be closer to family. It just seems like the right thing to do...well...no..it FEELS like the right thing to do. I need my family. Lailey needs my family.

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That was Mark Twain who penned that quote. Tis true you know!

I, too, like many have made a few resolutions. And I, too, think this just might be my year to do all that has eluded me in the past. I have to say though, it's hard to be optimistic because I've rarely kept a resolution!

I did, however, do one thing last year I had never been able to accomplish before. I became a mom! It was the greatest year on record so far! Lailey has been here 5 months. She is growing faster than I could have imagined. With her birth came more than I anticipated. I have always been a nanny...well at least in my adult years and I THOUGHT I would just really have the upper hand on all this. I had no clue! I had no idea where my emotions would be...I certainly didn't think I would feel the way I do. I figured I would be overwhelmed with emotion the first few weeks then just settle into this 18 year long routine that shifted and swayed and bent and buckled at times. I didn't know my every sense, every thought, every emotion, would be accosted, taken in and swaddled in the attention of this tiny little human. The first moment I heard her cry was when the strangeness started. First...I laughed instead of cried...well...i cried some...but mainly giggled. I had to have a section so I wasn't able to hold her immediately. In fact, couldn't even see her for several minutes but I could hear her. Since having a section is kinda like going to the dentist now, it was a very laid back atmosphere and the nurses and tech's talked through the whole procedure. They prepared me for every little thing that was going to happen. It was play by play action so I knew when they were pulling her out only because of the verbal communication(obviously couldn't feel anything...thank ya Jesus) and when I heard that tiny little cry I started laughing! That was odd to me. I honestly don't know why I laughed but that was the beginning of this strange yet wonderful journey.

I simply cannot get enough of her now. As Lailey grows and becomes more able to communicate, we often sit and study each other. She usually licks her hands and fingers while jabbering intensely so I sit and hold her and just marvel at her. She is one yummy baby.

The First Snowfall

I'm sitting at my desk, in my tiny living room, looking at a beautiful snowfall from yesterday. It's the first of the season...actually the first of this kind in several years here in Nashville, it seems. It makes my heart glad. And going on everyone's Facebook profile status, it makes a lot of people happy too.

I know kids are excited because they got out of school today and I guess, maybe, some businesses were closed but I have to say that part of it is anticlimactic for me these days. Used to, a heavy snowfall would mean possibly no work or going in late and I felt much like a child getting out of school. Today however, I feel less about it because I'm not working and it's just like every other day has been since August (when my daughter arrived). It's lessened by the fact that I would be sitting here whether it was snowing, raining, shining. But anyway...it's pretty and I opened the front door this morning to show Lailey and she blew me a little spit bubble and arched her back, saying, "so..."

The Christmas season is here, I guess?! Is it me or is December moving entirely too quickly? Is it because Thanksgiving felt a week late? I have done no Christmas shopping and probably won't. My family has decided that gifts are silly this year and we aren't buying any except for the children....and that includes my 86 year grandfather who needs a lap desk to rest over the arms of his recliner so he can eat from the comfort of living room. I have a niece and nephew, 8 and 4 and a new daughter...they will be the recipients of any gifts that are given this year. And honestly, Lailey will not be getting much. She's 4 months! What can you buy a 4 month old that means much? I have every accoutrement a baby needs to make it their first year of life. I've been so fortunate to have GREAT friends with babies that have outgrown all the fancy developmental toys that Lailey needs to keep her in the loop and meeting the requirements "they" say are important.

Singing off...

Oh The Joy....

Well. I'm a mom! Finally! After 20 years of longing and dreaming about it. It happened! Boy did it happen!

I gave birth to Lailey Kay Irons, conceived through IUI, using donor sperm, on August 15, 2008. It was amazing. The entire process was the most fantastic journey I've taken so far in life.

Today is as Good as Any

Today is as good a day as any to give birth....I keep telling my little baby girl that is undoubtedly squished beyond belief in my womb. This would be evident from her obvious slack in movement in the last couple of weeks. Her wild karate like movement, since about week 26 has been a constant reminder of what i might just be in for, has slowed considerably to actual baby kicks and punches and an occasional strumming of her fingers against the uterine wall. She does get the hiccups which always makes me smile although maybe i shouldn't. Can you imagine being in HER position WITH hiccups? Poor lil monkey.

So me and Lailey had a talk this morning and I told her it was okay for her to "COME ON DOOOOWWWWN" today! We'll see if she's going to listen to her mother.

Oh the waiting

I've always heard from my fellow mommies that the last month of your pregnancy is the worst for a lot of reasons...mainly the waiting! I'm there! I'm so anxious to see my baby girl, Lailey Kay. I think she is anxious too if not squished beyond reason. Last ultrasound she was head down so the lil monkey is assuming the position. My favorite part of pregnancy has been her movement. I began feeling flutters around 22 weeks. I wasn't quite sure but I think it started a few weeks earlier. I just didn't know if I had gas or what. I do remember the very moment I KNEW it was her. It was about 4 a.m. and I turned over in bed and I felt the most distinct kick on my left side. It woke me up fully and I laid there for an hour, smiling, thinking, talking to her. It was REAL then! Ever since then I CHERISH those times in the day when she is so active. She definitely has a pattern..her "awake" and "sleep" times.

I have approximately 5 weeks to delivery. I'm not sure that I'll go to term. Gestational Diabetes may override that. Everything i've read and seen on TV (I'm obsessed with Discovery Health delivery shows) it seems most women are induced early to ensure the baby doesn't get too big. I only wish this would happen for her to get here! And I know Gerica wants her to get here before she has to go back to school. One problem that can arise with GD is the lungs can be underdeveloped and since this is the one of the last things to develop in gestation, I certainly do not want her to have lung issues. So I trust she'll get here right when she's supposed to get here.

I am hoping for a normal delivery..you know..the conventional method...NO SURGERY! But..I'm not one of those woman who is gonna freak out if I have to have a C-Section. In fact, the closer I get to delivery, the more a section might be totally okay with me. I'm getting a little nervous about the pain.